Weight of the World

Today was an incredibly emotional day for me for somereason beyond my comprehension. I feel very very alone. I spent the day with my parents and the rest alone. 3 hour walks of just pondering and thinking about my life. I didn't dwell on loneliness because for me that creates depression. I focused on good memories, my very blessed life now, and my hopes and dreams that i'm working towards the future. I've started a book idea which in two weeks has already morphed into something I never thought it could be and I'm very excited for it.

Speaking of books. . . I have no idea when "The Jonathan Tree" will be published. I need to find that out because I put my heart and soul into that thing and it is meant to be read, in my opinion. I know no one will read this but I hope I can make a difference in someone's life with my writing. I can do it and I have the passion and mental IQ and Emotional EQ to be able to touch people. I have empathy and the capacity to accept all races, religions, looks, sizes and cultures. I kid about certain things but that's only on surface level. If you asked me if I thought the holocaust was a bad thing, I think you'd be surprised just how in depth i've researched, studied, and scraped to understand the racism and idealism behind the Nazi's. If you asked me if I was racist, I would probably start reciting the "I had a dream speech" and not stop for 5 minutes, because I can do that. I love history and it seems to love me too haha.

Anyway after that rant, I am so happy Butler Bulldogs are in the Final Four. It helped me today. I miss my dad a lot today. I went to a baseball card shop to sell most of  the cards he left me (not the great ones). It is really hard to say goodbye to things that I have so many memories and emotions tied down to. It's like losing him again. I still feel him around me, or try and remember his laugh that was so infectious everyday. People often notice my mood changes and it's usually because of the Gospel or I think of my Dad. Nothing ever takes my smile away though. I'm always laughing.

I sound like a broken record. In truth I'm just a person trying to be strong. Even when i'm weak at points people still rely on me as a consistent rock, which isn't fair in my opinion, but i'll deal with it, always have. I miss support from my family.

My mom finally commented on my writing today and said, "Never give it up." That confuses me because she often says that I need to get a job... what she doesn't understand is that a writer could be at work on say a 3 hour walk. . . looking out the window. . . going on a drive... living? yeah like today. I worked even though I wasn't working. Writing is hard work, and once people understand that I think they'll appreciate it much more...

If anyone who reads this wants to become an author, a must read book is "Unless it moves the human heart by Roger Rosenblatt.

Goodnight world

I Haven't blogged in a while... things have changed

I am guilty of the classic mistake of not blogging often on this site. I have found a few other places where I have written juicy subjects that just wouldn't have been appropriate for this site hahaha. Intrigued? don't be... i lied, kind of. haha.
Anyway, life has changed a lot. I graduated high school, I teach seminary, and Im just trying to make it. I still struggle like everyone else with self-esteem issues but i've been through enough to know it's all in my head when it comes to that stuff.
Unfortunately, at the moment people are treating me very different. Most old friends and pals have become my students and they look at me as a teacher instead of a friend their age and likeness. That's really hard because I live a pretty lonely life at the moment. It actually awkwardly fits my lifestyle but it's a change so it feels weird to me at the moment. Im trying to find a place that I fit in life. Im just going into my last week of babysitting for the Stigter family. Their kids are obsessed with me haha. That's good though, mostly.

Also, while trying to teach seminary and work on/off I've been writing and working on my own dreams. I'm excited for the future but I'm very nervous. I'm trying to have a healthier lifestyle but it is difficult to change drastically.

My haircut worked out well, everyone seems to like it so yay lol. I'm very interested in going to a writing college but my grades were not too hot. Also, I don't like writing for other people, on their schedule. I like writing from the heart when it is emotional and inspired. I hope that I can find a way to work writing into my future. It's my passion and it's saved me during a lot of hard times. I have not stopped writing. IF you would like to read any ANY thing i have written visit www.youngwriterssociety.com and look up Tommybear. That is my profile name on there. I didn't want any creepers so I changed it haha. I'm going to try and write more often. I DO have things to say and places to say them. Follow me on twitter at TmB317 or facebook Tanner Blackburn, if you are interested in stalking me ;). Modern life is hysterical that way. 10 years ago no one gave a CRAP if you were forced to go shopping with your girl, but NOW everyone apparently loves knowing that stuff! haha.
Don't act like that's not true haha.
Okay, I'm turning this into an actual blog now, and not a writing place because i found a place of writing companions that help me with it. This will be more thoughts and such.

Right now I'm hangin with Mac. t-out

Parting is such sweet sorrow

How do i keep my heart from feeling all this pain,
from dropping the tears that want to fall like rain,
physical scars from the beating of my heart,
do not show the ones inside, not even a tenth part.
When you think that you have gotten away with it,
just know, you haven't and it hurts me.
So, Don't be surprised when karma finds you and you're all alone
this isn't me being cruel, it's you reaping what you have sown.
Don't be afraid from what you have done,
oh wait im talkin to myself again,
if i were you, i'd run.
You've hurt people with out an apology,
You don't have one friend who would say your eulogy.
Yet everytime i see you, my heart melts,
Its like a curse from within, my heart used to win.
Sometimes the most important thing is knowing who to trust,
like a pane of glass, it is easy to bust.
Oh how blind i was! how angry i feel,
with your lying heart, i just cannot deal.
So goodbye forever, i promise myself,
true friends are my gold, true friends are my wealth.

My heart must be blind, but my eyes aren't

With each smile, your memory fades. But no matter what i do, ill never forget you, my beautiful everglades. Your lips like fire, gorgeous and red, your eyes of desire, where no man feels dead. you're like meddusa without the stone, left me feeling paralyzed, i thought you were my own. its been a few weeks and im feeling the same, the winter weather, not as harsh as your love game. The scars on my hand are because of you, the bruises, and the pain i feel too. yet still in my heart and mind i give my love to you. Its silly to think how blind love can be, but won't you come back and atleast talk to me? And if once again you leave, you'll still have my heart. In this crazy love game, we all play our part. I can't decide who this is to, because there are atleast two or three of you. It can't be me or maybe it can, but after all im only a man. How would i know that it would've come to this? If i had just one wish, it would be for you to know this, I feel so strongly that you made a mistake, like Eve, i was beguiled by a snake. You slithered in and poisoned my heart. But this is a war and you played your part

Started a new character...

Introduction

The rain was pounding on the mirky window pane. It was never fun for Claire to have to wait for her father, but she was always to. She would say that she cared for him, never loved him. She wasn't really sure what love was, afterall she's only 17 and figured the chances for her to understand the most confusing part of life were slim. Their relationship was one that could never be understood. Part of being an attorney's daughter was not seeing your father much. It put a serious strain on the two. Claire never had a mother or anything close to one, her own tragically dieing during childbirth when Claire was two. Lonely nights at home spent with books and her dog gus, drove her to pursue piano and a job at the local Barnes and Nobles. It was an easy job and with not too much to do during her senior year at Carmel High School left her severely wanting a time consuming activity. It didn't take long for an educated person to see that Claire was mentally years ahead of her age. She never felt like she fit in because she didn't think or act like any kids her age. Adults understood her better and only a few kids interested her but she never showed her lack of interest. She was incredibly polite and loved serving and making other people happy. It was a rewarding way for her to feel good about herself. The constant monotony of her daily life sent her mind into numbness which quite possibly fueled her deep thinking. The words she wrote for her music spoke like a story of a confused teen at eye level but if you looked deeper it dove into emotions and the lessons of life which people twice her age couldn't explain or attempt to understand. She truly was an intellectual. Her constant boredom left a lot to be desired in her GPA. Dipping just below a 3, she had seriously underperformed in her years at Carmel, but honestly, she didn't care. She never had. Everyone knew she could be successful in any field she chose to pursue a career. She just had to choose which direction she would go. . . Now that high school was almost finished she figured her life was over. She had NO IDEA that her journey was just beginning. (is this a character i should pursue?)

Feeling of Inadequacy

We've all seen those people weighed down by expectation,
some out of their own making and many from others.
Maybe their parents, maybe their sisters or brothers,
but either way, the results the same: desperation.

In a system of success, 'the different' often are laid out to dry,
Do we expect to much of ourselves; eachother? if so why?
Do we strive for success alone?
or for the acceptance?

These are the questions that are hard to ask ourselves.
To answer these, one must delve
into his heart and be truthful and honest.
It is the best way but, it's also the hardest.

We lie and lie under the mirage of society,
when honestly we know the truth; that is reality.
It'll be tough to hear, hard to face oneself,
but we must, to ever know who we are.
After all, is that not true wealth?
The depth will be surprising, maybe even scary,
but the soul must be expressed, for one to be happy.
And to express one's soul, you must know it,
must own it, every aspect explored,
no doors left unopened.

Face the reality and all the fearful thoughts,
'cause a war worth fighting is a war well-fought,
and since this war can not kill anything but fear,
its well worth it; that thing which is hard to hear.

Ah, the irony

The irony of the situation is, is that someone pointed out to me
that if i truy didnt care i would't be writing to see
which emotions came outta me.
now what he didnt see was that i cared about the situation
not about what the conversation, was about me
so cast ur perspective and ur evil stares
cuz they fall on blank eyes and deaf ears
soon you'll realize that your judgments have failed
and i truly, honestly respectfully dont care
what you think about me or my proposals.
This page is my world,
these words are my actions my very existance,
those brave enough to listen and see what i think,
are the ones who have thoughts themselves unvoiced
and fight to get out.
Those ppl like me who are silent till one day they shout!
Listen to me! Stop the murder of morality,
the devilish deeds of using "friends" and lovers a like.
It's time for selfishness to take a back seat
to kind words actions and most importantly,
for people to stand up and fight,
and TONIGHT to say what you never would before,
put out the fears and stand up for those thoughts that pierce the very essence of who you are and what you believe. It's the feeling of being so fed up that men stop believing in themselves. They are too quick to give into the status quo instead of questioning. Don't listen to everyone elses opinions; too easy. Formulate your own and let others do the same. Freedom of action and even more importantly for action; that and that alone leads to change. Electing politicians and figures who you think care about what your best interests are... Well, most of the time the jokes on you.
I pose the question: "How long will men complain about their situation, but the next day do nothing or even make it worse?" You see it everyday in some parts of the country. No one is willing to stand up for themselves or sometimes not knowing how because of prior choices on education and the formulation of ideas dies in their minds because they lack the resiliency in their own minds that great men just seem to find and grasp onto, never letting go. So how do we give voice to the oppressed and give the hopeless man courage to say what is on his heart and mind in away that can change everything? Is it our job to care for the needy and take care of the sick?

That's where the irony comes in. The answer is i do care... probably too much