Today was an incredibly emotional day for me for somereason beyond my comprehension. I feel very very alone. I spent the day with my parents and the rest alone. 3 hour walks of just pondering and thinking about my life. I didn't dwell on loneliness because for me that creates depression. I focused on good memories, my very blessed life now, and my hopes and dreams that i'm working towards the future. I've started a book idea which in two weeks has already morphed into something I never thought it could be and I'm very excited for it.
Speaking of books. . . I have no idea when "The Jonathan Tree" will be published. I need to find that out because I put my heart and soul into that thing and it is meant to be read, in my opinion. I know no one will read this but I hope I can make a difference in someone's life with my writing. I can do it and I have the passion and mental IQ and Emotional EQ to be able to touch people. I have empathy and the capacity to accept all races, religions, looks, sizes and cultures. I kid about certain things but that's only on surface level. If you asked me if I thought the holocaust was a bad thing, I think you'd be surprised just how in depth i've researched, studied, and scraped to understand the racism and idealism behind the Nazi's. If you asked me if I was racist, I would probably start reciting the "I had a dream speech" and not stop for 5 minutes, because I can do that. I love history and it seems to love me too haha.
Anyway after that rant, I am so happy Butler Bulldogs are in the Final Four. It helped me today. I miss my dad a lot today. I went to a baseball card shop to sell most of the cards he left me (not the great ones). It is really hard to say goodbye to things that I have so many memories and emotions tied down to. It's like losing him again. I still feel him around me, or try and remember his laugh that was so infectious everyday. People often notice my mood changes and it's usually because of the Gospel or I think of my Dad. Nothing ever takes my smile away though. I'm always laughing.
I sound like a broken record. In truth I'm just a person trying to be strong. Even when i'm weak at points people still rely on me as a consistent rock, which isn't fair in my opinion, but i'll deal with it, always have. I miss support from my family.
My mom finally commented on my writing today and said, "Never give it up." That confuses me because she often says that I need to get a job... what she doesn't understand is that a writer could be at work on say a 3 hour walk. . . looking out the window. . . going on a drive... living? yeah like today. I worked even though I wasn't working. Writing is hard work, and once people understand that I think they'll appreciate it much more...
If anyone who reads this wants to become an author, a must read book is "Unless it moves the human heart by Roger Rosenblatt.
Goodnight world
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